Un reve en cache un autre...
Searching for Kat...
Mardi 2 Novembre 2004 à 22h21
In the train, on the way to Lille, I cracked... I sent an e-mail to Kat...
To resume it :
" Hi, how's it going ? I have 4 days holidays for the 11th of November and I wonder if I could go and visit you in Germany ? Answer me ASAP.
PS : Did you receive my birthday present ? "
This is just a resume but as you knonw, I wrote a bit more !
I don't understand how I am so mad of her, so addictive ! She hasn't been so keen with me, she didn't really answer me so many times in 2 years realtion.
For sure, my feelings as not as "bad" as last year, when everyday, every morning, I was thinking of her. I was ready to follow her, as if she was the personn who could have changed my life.
Many of my decisions were influenced by her, if she wanted me to go to her place and stay there a couple of weeks, or not !
For a moment, I thought that my depression was because of her, but actually it was because of this fucking stupid home life situation. From September to November (may be december) I was a vegie, looking at a the blank of my life.
Today, even if she is not with me physically, I have her pictures in front of my desk, at eyes level. The same regard which you can see at the top right of this page, with her green / grey mysterious regard, the one I felt in love more than 2 years ago.
Another one, with me close to her, last year in Germany, both smiling and both charming by each other. Oh my god, so many happiness in my soul and in hers (she told me).
But I got hungry in Spain, I was diffrent as she told me... "Doctor Jeckyll and Mister Hide" to reference her !
She didn't love me...
However as long as I have her ring around my neck, I'll still thinking of her, that's why I want to see her, that's why I want to ask her if I have to leave it or keep it... she has the decision (or may be It is mine) !
Even if it is not for this year, or next year (or never) I have a wish that one day we could be together.
This diary talks a lot of her, and the accident and stupid stuff I do (with Masami at the moment) but it is the real life im living, no lies.
As long as tears flow under my eyes for Mum, I'll have a thought for Katharina.
