Un reve en cache un autre...
I am scared
Mercredi 23 Juin 2004 à 12h20
(I am sorry for the non english readers)
Why are you scared Nolive ? Says a spiritual voice above my head, and then i reply:
I am scared of what my life is going to be in France, in my homecountry, with its benefits for sure, but also all its inconvenients. Im scared of being alone again, single positively, but also the loneliness i had before moving to Oz. Scared of one thing, scared of my family, my dad and his feelings (his really loneliness and my addiction to stay close to him). Im scared of having no support again, scared of having friends who are not really friends. Im petrified by the idea of being unemployed, at the “ANPE”, im mortified of falling back into depression, and being lazzy ! Im scared of my future, even if I know there is (at least) one escape in Oz again. Im scared of not knowing my furure in 3 weeks, one month, nothing established for my life.
My spiritual voice also says : but you know you have lived the most difficult in your life, you have underwent two deaths your fathers depression and your careless brother!
Yes, you are right, but what if i don't succed in life, what if im closed in my future? And why do I doubt so much about myself ? And why am i still thinking of Kat ? This girl who doesn't really care about me? Why can't I love again?
This girl is playing a lot in your life Nolive, I know, but the reason why may only be this accident!
And that's why im scared again ! After two years, not being able to change my mind about this issue is a kind of disaster for me, even if i know it is totally impossible for me to forget it. Everyday of my life i think about this accident and my mother, everyday of my life there is at least one thought about my mum ! And I guess it is the same for my brother and my father of course !
And you choose Australia to change your mind, did not you ?
I did ! But it didn't really change a lot I think ! I am just consuming life during 6 month, escape during half a year, escape that life in France ! I don't know the other ways, I am in front of the wall know, this wall I did not want climb before moving, or trying to climb ! I am face to my destiny ! Or may be destiny is facing me know !
